When Elisabeth, a 34-year-old lawyer, signed up for OkCupid in May 2014, she had low expectations. Online dating is challenging for most, but it can be particularly harsh for women who don’t fit society’s beauty standards—especially fat women. Elisabeth, however, didn’t join out of her own desire to date but rather in solidarity with a close law school friend. This friend, who was reentering the dating world after a divorce, asked three of her former bridesmaids, including Elisabeth, to join her in creating dating profiles.
Having tried online dating intermittently for years without success, Elisabeth decided to take a different approach this time. In previous attempts, she had carefully crafted profiles to present the most polished, appealing version of herself, only to be met with disappointment. So, this time, she leaned into a more “obnoxious” version of herself, creating a profile that was less concerned with perfection and more focused on being unapologetically authentic. One standout feature of her new profile was the inclusion of photos with her beloved cat. She was transparent about her flaws and quirks, including being upfront about her weight. Elisabeth, who fluctuates between an XL and a 2XL in dresses and between a size 16 and 20 in pants, made no effort to downplay the fact that she’s fat.
In an interview in December, she reflected on the mental game that often accompanies online dating for fat women. There’s an inherent pressure to choose photos that capture you at your absolute best—using the right angles, lighting, makeup, and clothing to minimize your size as much as possible. While this might create an appealing online persona, it creates a disconnect when it comes to real-life meetings. “When you sit down for that first date,” Elisabeth explained, “you don’t get the benefit of all those carefully controlled factors.” This mismatch can lead to anxiety or disappointment, which is why Elisabeth chose to embrace her full self from the beginning this time around.